Loss and Hope

It has been almost a year since I wrote anything on this site. Last year, I was excited about all this site could and would be – then life happened. 2018 has been a deflating year.  We were excited to learn last December that we were pregnant with our 2nd child,  but then bad news hit us in January that we miscarried.  

 “Miscarried? I don’t understand? Are you sure Doctor? I’m super healthy, how can this be?”

Even at 39 years old, I had no problems getting pregnant with Landrie or staying pregnant. Probably, like most women, I never imagined that I would have a miscarriage. I remember thinking I’m going to rock this pregnancy.  Oh, how life doesn’t always go as you plan.

My body didn’t naturally miscarry  and I ended up having a D & C in February.  The loss — the loss of losing a child that you never got to meet. The loss of all the future experiences you never got to have. The anger and questioning of why me? 

Certainly, lightening doesn’t strike twice? We figured after my body recovered, we’d try again for a 2nd child.  July we were cautiously optimistic when the pee stick read “pregnant”.  Because of the previous miscarriage, we were at the OBGYN office at week 6 to make sure everything was on track.  The 6 week appointment was promising, but a little too early to tell. They suggested I come back the next week. The 7 week ultrasound found a heartbeat. Not a strong one, but a heartbeat. The OBGYN thought that the heartbeat was slow because it was recently formed and suggested I come back again the following week. The 8 week ultrasound delivered bad news  — still a heartbeat, but weak and no growth since the last ultrasound.  I was told this pregnancy was not viable.

“What? No, no this is not suppose to happen! I already had a miscarriage — why don’t I get to have another baby??”

I immediately called a friend of mine that I knew had gone to a fertility specialist.  She suggested a few fertility doctors to see.  Still being pregnant but it not being viable, I scheduled an appointment with one of the fertility doctors.  Gideon and I were in with the fertility specialist that following week.  She was great and went over different options for us.  However, she said we must take care of the current situation – pregnant but not viable. She did another ultrasound and confirmed that there was no longer a heartbeat. From there she explained a procedure called MUA (Manual Uterine Aspirator) — less invasive then a D&C. We could do this in her office and she would send the tissue off for genetic testing.  I was back in her office the next week for a MUA.  As she was doing the procedure, I remember her asking me how I was doing — and my response was I am sad.

“Why Lord? Why allow me to get pregnant to just take another baby away from me?  — feels like a cruel joke.”  —  For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope — Jeremiah 29:11

The genetic testing reveled triosmy 16 .   It’s the most common trisomy leading to miscarriage. Probably what happened with my first miscarriage.  Doesn’t make me feel any better. 

I know miscarriage is common —  1 in 5 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. Doesn’t make me feel any better. 

My eggs are 42 years old. Reality is setting in that my window to have another biological child has closed.  I never worried before about my age and being able to have a child.  In retrospect, I guess I should have been.  We did look into IVF — the odds aren’t in our favor & honestly, I don’t think I have the emotional strength to endure it. 

So now, I just sit. Sit in the loss. Sit in the anger. Sit in the sadness. Sit in the knowing I have two babies waiting for me in Heaven. Sit in the gratefulness of having a healthy child.  And sit with the Lord  — I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope. — Psalm 130:5

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